It’s Time to Apologize to Macon
by: Matthew MacFarlandRandolph-Macon College, on behalf of the students of Hampden-Sydney, I am sorry.
Over the past century or so, our two schools have been engaged in all-out collegiate warfare the likes of which has never been matched by two schools of our size. Ours is, after all, the oldest and greatest private college rivalry in the South. For many years, a deep-set hatred of one another has found itself in the hearts and minds of each of our respective student bodies for inexplicable reasons—come the first two weeks in November, we want nothing more than to utterly ruin the other school, whether on the football field, in debate, or in any other sector of competition we can find.
But now, I must come clean. We, the men of Hampden-Sydney, have been playing with a stacked deck, so to speak. Not that we’ve been cheating—such an offense would never be tolerated here–but we cannot say in honesty that the competition between our two schools has been fair. Indeed, there are a number of advantages that have propelled Hampden-Sydney to glory time and time again over you, our misguided and benighted rivals.
For the past and continuing existence of these favorable conditions, we must apologize.
We understand that, perhaps, in a different world and under vastly altered circumstances, it could as easily have been you who had been given the upper hand. But, sadly, we live in no such world, and Fate has ordained that we be made the superior. In order to clear our stricken consciences, I feel it best to simply list a few of these items, in the hope that by acknowledging each individually we may finally sooth our battered hearts:
I am sorry that we wake each morning to the inspiring music of church bells and not the ear-splitting screech of trains ripping through our campus. I imagine such consistent clamour does not improve your already-questionable psychological stability.
I am sorry our national reputation remains positive—being asked so often about your #23 ranking in GQ’s “America’s 25 Douchiest Colleges” must get annoying.
I am sorry one of the namesakes of our college was not known in his time as much for drinking and drug use as for political or intellectual accomplishments.
I am sorry our college maintains a historic sense of honor and integrity that continues to guide our every action.
I am sorry our continued regard for the notion of earning a difficult education based strongly on critical reading and writing ability has led you to feeling rather insecure in examining your own curriculum.
To the men of Randolph-Macon: I am sorry we keep showing you up in intelligence, looks, and social skills in general. We really just can’t help it.
To the women of Randolph-Macon: I am sorry you feel that for whatever reason we’re a bunch of chauvanist pigs with no respect for women. I think that somehow you’ve confused Hampden-Sydney men wih men from another school, say, I don’t know, Randolph-Macon.
These are only a few of the many things for which we must apologize, if only in the hopes that perhaps one day the tenuous relationship between our two schools might be normalized.
In fact, I can forsee just such a day, a day in which two graduates from our schools can come to an agreement. This agreement will certainly be more than acceptable to both parties, and though it may occur on different days for any of our alumni, I feel confident that at some point it will happen for all of us.
The scenario would play out something like this: the Hampden-Sydney alumnus will order a pizza. The Randolph-Macon grad will deliver the pizza to his door. The two will agree on the price, the Randy Mac grad will receive the money and leave, and the world will be at peace for the mutual accordance of these two one-time rivals. Let us hope that such a day comes soon for us all.
Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to tip well.
And, as always, may the better school win.
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